it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
