well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
