Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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