I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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