I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You were trust falling into bushes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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