I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
