I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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