just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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