I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
