this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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