Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
