I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
