Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
