please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize