all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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