**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
