Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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