There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
