I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
