My cat gives me a boner
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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