I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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