your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
