i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
