I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
