I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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