Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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