what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
