my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ugly people sure do ruin things
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
