Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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