if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
