If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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