Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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