Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She bit a glass in half.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize