Will you blow on my dice?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
