that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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