So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
