My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
