I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
