I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
