Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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