Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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