i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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