a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize