I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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