i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I supernannyed him into submission
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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