its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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