I puked a lego.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
50% drunk capacity currently
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
