I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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