News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
