ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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