just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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