if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
