I think my vagina is haunted
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize