There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
