So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
