I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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